September 26, 2007
The character of greatness must be measured in two ways, else the measurement is flawed. First, and by far most popular of all, is by one’s ability to succeed in times of trial where others may fail. But of no less importance, and perhaps foundational to any form of greatness, is one’s willingness to start over in spite of failure, when success seems farthest away.
– Guy Finley
September 26, 2007
On going self evaluation and honesty are critical in determining where you are on your success path – from the beginning to the finish line. From experience I find that most people truly believe that they are doing far more than they really are, along the way.
Look at this example about “Ed”, who was a security guard at an office where I once worked. Ed was around 35 years old at the time – not the stereotypical, “semi-retired” elderly night watch man that you see portrayed in films and on television. Ed’s job consisted of making sure that when people entered the building, they had the proper credentials, such as a company I.D. or visitor’s pass. In addition, his job consisted of one or two walks around the halls in the building to ensure that the emergency exits were secure.
In short, not a lot of activity…
Ed did, however, spend a lot of time reading while at the desk. As I recall, he probably devoured a paperback novel every other day or so.
When entering the building I would always ask Ed how his day was progressing. His standard reply was “I’m pretty busy today!” At the time, several of us were working on a six-month-long project that involved long meetings, 14-hour days and flying around the country to meet with customers. Hence, my business associates and I would exchange skeptical glances at each other when Ed informed us of his work load.
Perhaps Ed’s goal in life was just to do what he was doing sitting at a desk reading – and for some, I guess there’s nothing wrong with that at all.
However, to reach the top of any endeavor it pays to be focused, determined, confident, courageous and energetic. But for those of us who have higher aspirations and dreams are YOU REALLY doing enough on your success quest?
It is said that “If you want to get something done, give it to a busy, effective person.” Do not look at how little you can do, but how much you can do. In life, the busy, effective person will always be in demand, for they establish the reputation of being a “can do” person.
Of course, everyone wants to do something, but there are few that will put forward the needed effort and make the necessary sacrifices to get what they want. There is only one way to accomplish anything today — set your mind to concentrate on doing it and let nothing interfere with your progress. Obstacles are quickly overcome by the person that sets out to accomplish their heart’s desire.
Ask your self these questions:
1) Do I even have a plan?
2) If yes, do I have clearly defined, realistic goals to ensure that I stay on track? For example, if it is to lose weight, have I identified what I need to do and broken it down into achievable parts?
3) Have I designed in, checkpoints / evaluation points to make sure that I am “on track”? For instance, if your goal is to save money for your first new home, am I achieving the amount of savings I need?
4) Do I have a timeline to ensure that I stay on track?
5) As I evaluate my progress, am I prepared to look long and hard “in the mirror” and be honest with my progress? Am I being honest with my capabilities? Am I prepared to have a trusted advisor constructively critique my progress?
Taking the time to do steps 1 – 5 above will pay manifold dividends for you on your quest for success. Be honest with your self and make self evaluation part of your plan. For more details see our success systems, The Power Of Concentration or The Power Of Thought.
Keith A. Shaw, President of http://www.MindBodySpiritCentral.com is an authority on motivation, self improvement, success, health and wellness.
September 26, 2007
Courage and perseverance have a magical talisman, before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish into air.
- John Quincy Adams, 1767-1848, US Diplomat and Politician
September 26, 2007
Getting along with other people and working together cooperatively is the fundamental foundation of successful outcomes in the workplace. This is true teamwork at its best. Organizations without this foundation don’t grow or prosper, at least over the long haul. Instead they have costly turnover, unhappy customers and employees and poor bottom-line results.
Although learning, growing and improving is a very universal and natural part of life, there are some things that inhibit this process within each of us, including managers and leaders. One major way this can happen to us is when we allow ourselves to fall prey to the dualistic trap our minds lead us into. We are all a victim of the unproductive, irreconcilable habit of dividing all things into this or that, either-or, exclusive categories—good vs. bad, right vs. wrong, yes vs. no, valuable vs. worthless, etc. We tend to keep score and assign people to either one side of the basic life equation or the other.
Consider the following partial division between how people can think and act at work. Go down the list and recognize co-workers, and yourself, if you dare. Then consider how we are convinced that the right side of this listing is the only thing that can lead to long-term success. (I suspect there is agreement with this even with people operating from the left side of the list). At any rate we can get easily troubled, annoyed and frustrated when we try to deal with people who are different from us—those being on the other side from where we are (more so by people on the right because they know they are right!) Ha to that! The temperature is equal on both sides and we know it!
Pessimism, negativity vs. Optimism, positivism
Individualist vs. Team player
Closed-minded, know it all vs. Open-minded, eager to learn
Critical, judgmental vs. Accepting, understanding
Disagreeable, argumentative vs. Agreeable
Overly aggressive vs. Assertive
Extreme, unbalanced vs. Temperate, balanced
Over-emotional, irrational vs. Reasonably rational
Taker, self-serving vs. Giver, other-serving
Dishonest, manipulating vs. Honest, spontaneous
Rigid, stagnant, stuck vs. Growing, flexible
Chaos-creating vs. Order-restoring
Destructive vs. Constructive/productive
Disabling others vs. Enabling others
Arrogant, egocentric vs. Humble
Over-talkative vs. Good listener
Insensitive to others vs. Empathetic with others
Impatient vs. Patient
Impulsive vs. Thoughtful
Now the trouble is, we have created an un-reality with this extremely artificial polarity with such a marked division—we all know we are never always one way or the other, but somewhere in between. And even keeping score to determine how someone is most of the time isn’t really that accurate or reliable. Our memories aren’t as accurate as we want to believe.
We all have a right to choose which side of the equation we will be on with these things, depending on what we find works best for us most of the time. That is reality, but guess what? We can easily make two critical mistakes with our choices: (1) we may think we are operating from one side but really from the other, unknowingly (2) there might be times where both sides are needed for the most productive resolution between the two opposing sides.
Then again everyone and everything can serve a positive purpose—the people on the left side of this list may serve the purpose of showing others how not to be, or reinforcing the correctness of being on the right side. Of course that is an unfair judgment from the right side. Our perspective always gets in the way of what we are trying to see.
There only seems to be one way out of this conundrum that won’t go away in today’s workplace (the dualistic demon in our minds which creates artificial polarities, just so we know whether we are coming or going, so to speak). The wise approach is to separate the person from the situation, unconvincing yourself of the truth that a person is really just one way or the other, and then realizing we all think and act in both ways and a lot in between, depending upon conditions and the corner we paint people into unfairly (and inaccurately) or corners they paint us into.
Here is the good news: Our world is finally beginning to make the needed transition from the old either-or, win-lose mentality to the reality of the and-and, win-win one, and we should take great pleasure in that shift. In the meantime, we can all make our effort to reduce the overload of toxic psychic pollution in our atmosphere, by realizing the artificiality of polar opposites that our dualistic minds have deceptively convinced us really do exist. Nonsense to that unreality!
If the right side of this equation is the best way to be, then being that way consistently and persistently will allow the other side to reconcile the current power struggle between the two sides that undermines organizational synergy and performance. And if that is not possible it is because it is the very movement from the left to the right side of the list that is the main purpose for us all; and we can all make better progress together helping each other grow and improve by being the way we aspire towards and pretend we are already there. Self-perceptions are strange that way! Up with acceptance, down with judgment.
By William Cottringer, Ph.D. Bill can be reached for comments or questions at (425) 454-5011 or bcottringer@pssp.net
September 25, 2007
Communication is the most common presenting problem of couples in my practice. Yet, it is not truly the main problem. Even if couples utterly fail to talk, negotiate, or make decisions, there’s a bigger problem than communication.
When you’re in a tense, difficult or nasty discussion with your partner, the problem isn’t communication. The problem is your distressed emotional reaction about what they are saying. If your distress is severe enough, you are on the way to being at your worst.
When you are at your worst, you’re likely to bring out the worst in your partner. But you really hope your partner will respond with their higher self. You hope they will break the pattern. Meanwhile, they’re hoping that you will break the pattern. You know where that leads.
Here’s how it breaks down. When you are in a bad discussion with your partner:
Communication is a problem.
But it is not the problem.
The problem is your ineffective responses during the stressful discussion.
Your ineffective responses can be grouped into a few basic categories:
Finger pointing
Whining
Resentful accommodation
Withdrawal
Confusion
There are a lot of variations of each of these categories but they have one thing in common. They are all painful reflexes to a difficult discussion. Because they are reflexes, they don’t take rehearsal or planning. When was the last time you had to remind yourself to get defensive at your partner for being sarcastic?
When you feel bad, angry, hurt, disappointed or frustrated, it’s a reflex to want your partner to treat you better. If only they’d act more in accordance to your standards and desires, which bring you emotional relief, your life and relationship would be better, easier, more satisfying.
There is a part of everybody that wants our partner to change first. We want them to change to relieve us from our distress. We’re trying to get relief from our distress more than we’re trying to communicate. This is a normal and natural desire and reflex. But when this desire becomes the foundation for relationship change, there is “trouble in River City.”
Yes, I know you can build a legitimate case on the dastardly things your partner does when they go on tilt. That is a problem. But it is not the problem. The problem is improving how you react to their pain. That is what takes effort, planning and rehearsal.
How hard is this concept to implement? Intellectually, I know that when my wife, Ellyn, annoys me I should improve my reaction. But there is still a part of me that thinks, “Hey, I didn’t get married to be reminded to take out the trash, put away my mail, pick up my shoes, etc. Why should I have to improve my response to Ellyn’s distress?” Faced with the choice between leaving victimhood or proving that Ellyn needs to “chill” I get busy on the proof.
Have you noticed that in every argument each person starts from a different point of view and is bound for a different destination? And the more heated the argument the more each tries to airbrush out their own flaws. The problem is more than, “We can’t talk.”
I don’t think Disraeli believed the problem was simply communication when he stated, “It destroys one’s nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.”
Discussions with our partner are just one way we express our jumble of values, interests, concerns, goals, insecurities, dreams and hopes. The painful gap between effective communication and negative results is caused by fear, lack of self awareness, or lack of skills.
Perhaps you’re now thinking, “Gosh, maybe I was better off believing the problem was just communication. Now what?”
Next time you’re heading into a difficult discussion with your partner, take a minute to relax with a couple of deep breaths. Exhale fully so that you’re forced to inhale more oxygen. Think about how you aspire to be during a sensitive discussion. If you were coming from your higher self, what would that look like? Write these qualities on a sheet of paper or a note card and have it in front of you during the next charged discussion.
For more information and a live demonstration on this process, plus a specific technique to calm your emotional brain under stressful discussions, visit http://couplesinstitute.com/couples/relationship-repair.html where you can download an audio mp3 version of our recent teleseminar, “Beyond ‘I Messages:’ Safe and Sane Couples Communication.” Don’t be intimidated by the technology. It’s easier than you think, and our staff will help you if you have questions. Besides that, we offer a money-back guarantee. If you don’t think the program is worth your time and money, we’ll give you a full refund.
By Dr. Peter Pearson. www.TheCouplesInstitute.com .
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